I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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