Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
