Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
