I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
