The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
