i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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