I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
