I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
