apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
