Apparently you make a good broom.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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