Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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