I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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