I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
