she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
