Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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