I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
