Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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