I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
