i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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