i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
