i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
