she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
