Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
