i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
