So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
