Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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