Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
