So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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