Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
