Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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