For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
