Got a toothbrush?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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