it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The adults are the big ones right?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
