just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
