I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my phone needs a breathalizer
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
