She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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