omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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