whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
