just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
