If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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