I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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