I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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