she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
