It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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