my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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