end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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