No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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