This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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