The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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