so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
