just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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