Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
