youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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