You can't special order awesome
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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