just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
