theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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