I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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