At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
