Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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