I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
