I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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